CORNERSTONE YOUTH CHURCH: The Mathematics of Courtship

Game Plan

• Introduction

• 5 Mathematical Elements

• Conclusion

Text: Prov. 30: 18 – 19

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. KJV
…how a man loves a woman. NLT
…and the way a man and a woman fall in love. NCV
…people fall in love. CEV
…. man and a woman falling in love. TEV
…the track of the man in the maid. Jubilee Bible

1. Background for Personality

§ The Forest Institute of Professional Psychology recently compiled data on marriage, and came to the following conclusions:

§ 50% of first marriages will end in divorce

§ The divorce rate in America for a second marriage is 67%

§ The divorce rate in America for a third marriage is 74%

§ Interestingly, when you research the most common reason why couples choose to split up, the same answer comes up again and again: a lack of communication.

§ A relationship study by University of Washington’s John Gottman found that there’s one more major communication problem that frequently leads to divorce: Being overly critical of your partner’s personality

2. Personality

§ The starting point of understanding people is to realize and accept the fact: EVERYONE IS NOT LIKE YOU

§ Different is not bad, it's just different! A lack of understanding of ourselves and others can lead to real problems such as tension, disappointment, hurt feelings, unmet expectations and poor communication.

§ As you know, it is hard to work with a problem, especially if you do not understand what is going on inside the mind of another person.

§ The bottom line is that healthy, positive relationships come from having an accurate, healthy, constructive view of yourself and others.

Personality – The Model of Human Behaviour

§ The model of human behavior is based on 2 foundational observations about how people normally behave:

§ Observation #1: Some people are more outgoing, while others are more reserved.

§ You can think of this as each person's "internal motor." Some people always seem ready to "go" and "dive in." They engage their motor quickly. Others tend to engage their motor more slowly or more cautiously.

§ Observation # 2: Some people are more task-oriented, while others are more people-oriented.

§ You can think of this as each person's compass that guides them. Some people are focused on getting something done; others are more tuned-in to the people around them and their feelings.

§ We have 4 behavioral tendencies to help us characterize people:

§ Outgoing

§ Reserved

§ Task-oriented

§ People-oriented

§ Everyone has some of all 4 of these tendencies at different times and in different situations.

§ However, most people typically have 1 or 2 of these tendencies that seem to fit them well in their everyday behavior.

The Dominant "D" type - getting to the bottom line as quickly as possible and MAKING IT HAPPEN!

(The key insight in developing a relationship with this type person is RESPECT and RESULTS.)

The Inspiring "I" type - This person is focused on what others may think of him or her. (The key insight in

developing a relationship with this type person is ADMIRATION and RECOGNITION.)

The Supportive "S" type - A reserved, people-oriented individual will enjoy relationships, helping or supporting other people and working together as a team. (The key insight in developing a relationship with this person is FRIENDLINESS and SINCERE APPRECIATION.)

The Cautious "C" type - A reserved, task-oriented individual will seek value, consistency and quality information. This person focuses on being correct and accurate. (The key insight in developing a relationship with this individual is TRUST and INTEGRITY.)

3. Bringing Third Party into Relationship

Third parties in a relationship refers to bringing in either your friends, family, neighbours e.t.c into a relationship.
This is mostly done when there is a misunderstanding. Now is it a good idea or not?

Reasons Why it is Bad

A. Bad Advice:

Yeah!!! We could be given advices that may ruin our relationship. Sometimes they may not be able to fit themselves into the situation and they end up judging the issue critically and jumping into some form of conclusion.
We need to be careful of who we relate with. Some friends wants your man so bad or even your fiance.
So the minute you express some form of issues, they would give you reasons to back out. Well, if you have good and matured friend.
You could try it once in a while not at all times. What some people is to make it an everyday culture to bring people into their affairs at all times. I still prefer solving the issues between ourselves.

Reasons Why it is Bad

B . Envy:

You might not know that your friends have been envying your relationship. So the minute you are talking too much about the good part, they would wish to be there too. When you talk about the bad part, they would advice you to quit.
Trust no one. Learn to read books, pray well and find ways that can help your relationship rather than gossip about it to all your friends.
Your friends will sometimes give you bad ideas on how to run your relationship.
The fact is you might be better than them, but they would pretend like you are worse. If only you know what happens in some relationship, you would thank God and keep your issues to yourself.

4. Understand before You are Understood

§ Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak.

§ But what about listening?

§ If you're like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across.

§ And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you're listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely.

§ So why does this happen? Because most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand.

§ You listen to yourself as you prepare in your mind what you are going to say, the questions you are going to ask, etc.

§ You filter everything you hear through your life experiences, your frame of reference.

§ You check what you hear against your autobiography and see how it measures up. And consequently, you decide prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating. Do any of the following sound familiar?

Understand before You are Understood

§ Because you so often listen autobiographically, you tend to respond in one of four ways:

§ Evaluating: You judge and then either agree or disagree.

§ Probing: You ask questions from your own frame of reference.

§ Advising: You give counsel, advice, and solutions to problems.

§ Interpreting: You analyze others' motives and behaviors based on your own experiences.

5. Compatibility
Amo_3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

Do not marry someone who is incompatible to you and start praying that God should change that person.

Intellectual Compatibility

If you are different in depth of mind, you will not have much to talk about at home and the relationship will be boring

Another important aspect here is the level of maturity.

Before choosing a marriage partner, ask yourself these questions?

§ What is my intellectual level? What certificates do I have?

§ How much formal education do I have?

§ What intellectual group of people can I fit into and communicate without feeling inferior?

§ Am I inclined to intellectual matters?

§ Do I enjoy the realm of ideas or the realm of things and people?

Other Compatibility

§ Spiritual Compatibility 2 Cor.6:14 - 16

§ Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

§ 2Co 6:15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?

§ 2Co 6:16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

§ This includes Faith and Doctrine

§ Cultural Compatibility

§ Cultural beliefs and expectations

The Gender-Role Principle

§ Men need to learn how to lead and women need to learn how to follow, but NOT with each other.

§ Women need to learn to submit to their fathers, church leaders, and other authorites.

§ Men need to learn to be leaders in all their relationships.

§ The best way to see if a man is a good leader and a woman is a good follower is by observing the roles they play in other relationships- NOT (at least not primarily) by practicing with each other.

The Love Principle

§ Finding the person you marry is not so much about evaluating your feelings for the person, but evaluating your willingness to commit to the person.

§ Don’t marry the person you’re “ga, ga” over- marry the person you’ll commit to.

§ 1 Cor 13 describes love primarily in terms of character and commitment, not in terms of butterflies in your stomach.

§ Love is a VERB first and foremost (that means love is an action more than an emotion).

Friendship

§ Friendship is the primary thing in choosing a mate, sexual attraction is secondary.

§ As Tim Keller contends, most us when we walk into a room of people of the opposite sex, immediately eliminate 90% of them based on looks. We have it backwards. We look for people that turn us on, and then try to make them our friends. If we understood that being one flesh is so much more than physical we would be wiser and consider who can I grow old with and enjoy getting to know for the next 50 years